My Sweet Boy

My boy Ethan, what a sweetheart. There really is something so special about our sweet little boy. Ethan has had some trials already in his short life and I don't think he even knows it yet. After a recent trip to the specialist my mind is filled with so many thoughts that I just need to get them out. The blog is perfect because no one reads this and well I think Travis is tired of my mindless babbling that seems to have no coherent thought to it.

What we do know about Ethan is that he has hypotonia or low muscle tone. He has struggled physically to keep up and yet he always manages to make it to each milestone, just a little later. More recently his speech, or lack thereof, has become more of a concern. I worry for my boy, it makes my heartbreak every time I see him not playing with other kids because he just can't keep up. He gets picked on, but in true Ethan nature he just goes on loving those that hurt him. It's like he doesn't even realize that he is a little different. A normal day like today of a playgroup type activity always leaves me a little worn out just worrying about him. He seems to have fun and is much better now than he used to be at staying with the crowd. But I know that other parents might wonder if something is wrong with him as he sits there flapping his hands with excitement. So what is it with our boy other than that he is a little delayed?

We went to the doctor hoping for more answers this time. He wants to do more tests, a lot of them, the one that scares me the most is the MRI. Here's my dilemma, does it really matter that we give Ethan a label? The kid is in developmental preschool four days a week, he is gone for 16 hours a week, it's like he has a part-time job at age 3! I miss him when he's gone, and boy is Calvin excited to see him when he gets home. So many of the tests the doctor wants to do are a stretch, I really have always felt at peace that Ethan will be okay. Maybe we just need to let him be a toddler. He does things that I think any other kid would do, lets face it kids are weird! So much of what Ethan does though we look at as abnormal because we have put that label on him since he was 10 months old. "He's not like other kids", but what if Ethan didn't have low tone, and physically was fine but just had a speech delay, would we be so worried about him? Is it because I have had a pit in my stomach since he was six months old that I am just accustomed to assuming the worst for him? AHH, if I only I knew what was in store for this boy. I guess that's why we need to do the testing, if anything it will give us some answers of how things may play out for the future, not really changing anything we are doing now.

I wish so many things for Ethan. I hope he can play soccer because he loves it, thanks to Travis, I hope he can go to school and be in a mainstream class and by age six you would never know he had these issues getting started in life. I know I need to turn so much of this over to the Lord, sometimes I feel like He gave me a stewardship one of his most valiant children and I don't think I can measure up. What if I'm doing it all wrong, what if I am just making it harder for Ethan? I have always struggled with personal revelation, always not knowing if I am feeling what I want to feel as opposed to what I need to. I know Heavenly Father has a plan for Ethan, I just hope I have enough faith to trust in it. Am I looking too much to the doctor, have I even really prayed for help with this burden of fear and doubt? So many questions with so little action, it's always my problem. I think we will move forward with more testing for Ethan, with the option to back out if we need to. The anesthesia will make him so sick for the MRI, that's why I am nervous about making him go through it. Sometimes it's hard to make these decision as the parent.

Ethan is progressing great though, he is developing more and more language and seems to be more in touch with the world around him. The kid is funny, I mean he really knows when he is doing something that will make us laugh, someday we'll get to know what's in that head of his. We love him and adore him, I guess that just has to be enough at the end of the day. I hope to find the balance between excessive worry and indifference to his delays. Ethan is healthy and really seems to be happy with the way things are in his world, I need to remember that, he is healthy and happy, so stop worrying!